i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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