i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
