Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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