she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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