The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
