I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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