I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
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Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life