the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
