He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
