if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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