Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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