I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
