The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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