dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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