I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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