You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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