My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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