theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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