I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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