Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
