I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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