I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
