where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
