1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
