In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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