My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
