just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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