wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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