She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
