Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
