im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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