I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
