Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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