Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low