My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I love you. Go after that dick
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
