i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm too high and old for this...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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