I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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