I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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