Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
