i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
