People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
