You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
