I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
