I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
