We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Im part way to drunk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
