Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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