The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
