What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The best revenge is premature balding
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
