even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
