dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I look better un-naked...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
