My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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