apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
