I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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