i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
