R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You ruined the universe
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
